i might as well let you read my diary

one of my most favorite things in life is listening to someone telling me about an answer to prayer. i don't care if it's something small or huge, i get totally pumped up hearing about it. today i was at lance's parents house and his mom was telling me about an amazing answer to prayer that made my heart happy, and that's what got me thinking of this.

this week i listened to a bill johnson podcast that rocked my perspective on prayer. i have to say, he is a very gifted speaker. when i think about the course of his message, he totally sets you up for what you need to hear because he starts out with majorly encouraging stuff and then gets to the gut wrenching conviction.

what was encouraging about it? Jesus never taught us what to do about unanswered prayers because He didn't intend for there to be any. hey-o!

the part that really got me? most of our prayers are simply an expression of unbelief. we spend our time crying out for things that God has already promised us. yikes!

the thing that came to my mind there was healing. i pray for it over and over in various situations and i'm not always convinced it's going to happen. while i know that it is always God's plan to heal, and it was never His intent for there to be sickness and that sickness is never His will for anyone, it is still hard for me to believe that He will act and heal.

it scares me to write that, because i hate to speak something out that is so ... faithless. but i ache for that to change. i want to know and BELIEVE truth, without hesitation.

there is a family i interviewed for work whose four-year-old son was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. they have been on my mind ever since i heard about it, and i had tears in my eyes interviewing them. i cried in the car afterward, and again when i got an email from a reader saying she'd like to offer their beach house to the family for a free week of vacation.

i continue to pray for 100% healing for ryan. i have prayed for healing for a lot of things, but in the back of my mind - or maybe it's the front - is that gnawing feeling of "what if" and "why?" what about all of the people who get a ton of prayer and aren't made well? is there any rhyme or reason? how can i declare God wants to heal when so often it seems like ... ?

whenever i have those thoughts, i think 'well imagine if you were them ...' wouldn't you want people to believe for your healing and go after it, 100%? and the answer is yes! i would want people to go for it! even if it didn't happen (why does my mind always go to it not happening? ugh!) i would still want to be surrounded by people who were willing to look foolish, who were willing to scream and shout and let loose and do whatever it was they felt the Spirit of God saying to them! i would want to be surrounded by people who kept going no matter what, who persevered in prayer in everything.

one thing i know is that i need to stop being afraid of what people think, and i need to just go for it. because whatever judgment others pass, it doesn't matter. if i'm making mistakes, it's better to make them serving the Lord and trying to obey Him, rather than err on the side of preserving my reputation or succombing to living like those around me.

it's hard for me to believe it's really okay to make mistakes, but obviously a quick read of any story in the Bible reveals that truth. i want a heart like David's. maybe part of wanting a heart like his has to do with the comfort i find in all of the mistakes that he made. i have this twisted way of drawing serious encouragement from things like that.

something else bill johnson said is that we need to lay down our right to understand. i have heard that a lot. it's like God really wants me to do that or something? HA.

sometimes the process of praying for something is just as pivotal as when it comes to pass. perhaps we are not ready to withstand the answer to the prayer. persistently crying out for it molds us to be able to steward it whenever it comes to be. praying builds our character.

another part of his message that made my heart soar: God's nature is revealed by you being free enough to want. relax enough to dream. when children aren't rested they're grouchy bums. but when children get to rest, they relax and they put on capes and fly and conquer the world.

so i'm still learning how to pray believing, but it's not like i'll stop praying until i have it "perfect." i am just suddenly conscious of how many of my prayers are signs of my unbelief.

but that's nothing that spending time with God won't change.

here is just a small sampling of some prayers that have  built my faith ...

• i was out swimming with a bunch of people, many of whom were security guards and apparently therefore excellent swimmers, and i was straggling. if you've seen me swim it's obvious that i'm self-taught with a sloppy doggy paddle. we were in this huge beautiful quarry and i was dreading the rest of the day swimming olympic distances with these superhumans as i panted uncontrollably. i prayed with desperation and i have never been so happy to see the police show up! it was totally illegal to swim in that quarry. praise the Lord. 
• my mom visited me in maui and i specifically prayed out loud for us to see famous people and i am pretty sure she laughed. a few nights later we were out to dinner at my favorite restaurant ever (Cafe Des Amis with luscious crepes)  and willie nelson and his family were at the table next to us. glorious.
• as a kid i was terrified of dogs, and one morning before school i was about to head out to the bus stop but there was a rottweiler in our front yard. i was home alone and there was no way i was going to walk out to the bus stop with that dog waiting to murder me. i was equally terrified of being absent from school for one day of essential elementary school education, and probably in tears wondering what to do. the answer to my prayers came in the form of my crazy father, who happened to be driving by right then (my parents were divorced at that point so he wasn't living with us), and pulled into our lane in his truck. he got out a lasso (what in the hell is right) and got rid of that dog. my hero! dad came into the house and got me, and waited with me at the bus stop. and waiting at the bus stop with me is not something my dad had ever done before or ever did after, just to paint you an even clearer picture of how amazing his timing/God's timing was.
• for my friends spouses and the joy of watching them marry incredible men! and praying for one friend in particular's marriage, then watching so much growth, healing, and maturity come out of a really tough situation. 
• a mentor - this one has been answered in the form of several different people! i am deeply blessed by all of them.

i could keep going but this has gotten super long and is probably only interesting to me. i need to write all my answers to prayer in one place so i can reflect on God's faithfulness. He was faithful then and He will be faithful again! let that be an encouragement to whatever you are facing today.